The Calculus of Confidence

What if there was a formula for getting total confidence when you stand up in front of a group of people? The secret is in which equation you use - the one handed to you or the one you build on your own?

In 8th grade, I asked my math teacher Mr. Strandberg for help on an algebra problem. In truth, I liked algebra; there was a certain logic to it that aligned nicely in my brain – and I remember feeling pretty certain that if I could crack this problem, it would open doors that would help me figure out bigger, thornier problems (I had no idea back then what a metaphor that was).

Mr. Strandberg shuffled over to my desk, and I explained my confusion, asking for some insight into how to solve this problem. What he said next imprinted so solidly on my psyche that it impacted my sense of self for decades:

“Oh it’s okay,” he said, in response to my query. “Girls just aren’t good at math.”

The absolute misogyny and misguided nature of that statement aside (kinda takes your breath away, huh?), the impact it had is the same that happened to many of us through our years. At some point – someone said something to you and you just… believed it.

Right? I mean, take a moment right now and think: What is something that was said to you that somehow made you believe something of yourself that may not be in alignment with reality?

(For me, it was my parents saying "She's built just like her dad!". Okay if I’m honest, that IS somewhat in alignment with reality – that Norwegian farmer DNA gifted me with a way-too-stocky frame - but I can assure you it took years to be able to stand in front of people confidently without the body shame that kind of statement could engender.)

What’s Formed Your Speaker DNA?

So whether it’s about a physical, intellectual or conversational trait, chances are that your sense of self has not only been informed by some unfounded-but-undeniably-sticky opinion delivered unto you by someone who had no clue about you, but has impacted the way you present yourself to the world.

Think about the last time you stood up in front of a group of people and had to present something to them. Did you convey the kind of certain and easy confidence of a Michelle Obama or other fantastic speaker? Do you have any sense of what elements of conveying confidence were in your control – or did you just walk away from this engagement pretty unsure of how you came across?

Most often, we go to a default confidence that is usually rooted in the opposite. For instance, I can tell you with absolute certainty that a solid majority of women will often get up to stand in front of a group and then immediately make themselves smaller. Legs crossed at the ankles, hunched shoulders, hands wringing or elbows tight to the body – all are important non-verbal cues that can convey the opposite of what we want to convey at the precise moment we are really trying to communicate something else:

 

“Hey I’ve got something to say. It’s important or interesting. You should listen to me.”

Untying The Knots

It’s not just non-verbals that can block our intended message – the formula for confidence is one with many factors (what we say, how we say it, energy, passion, tone, clarity, concision, flow, etc.) and is why the Uncommon Confidence Cohort is an 8-week program. No matter how skilled or experienced we are at those presentation scenarios, we all have some pretty tight knots that can get in the way of the smooth, confident and clear communication we want to convey.

The reality is those knots take time to untie.

The path to getting to the confidence we want does exist though; and in a way it all comes back to math: The 8 weeks we are launching in June are designed around the reality that there is an effective formula if you want to untie those knots:

• Practice (in a safe environment)

• Repeated (so you can see yourself)

• Over Time (so you can try and fail and try again)

• Applied (to your real world)

The formulaic representation of that kind of looks like this:

I call it the Calculus of Confidence – and it’s a formula that’s easily learned, if you are so inspired.

The 8 weeks we will spend with the 10 women chosen for this cohort will be a far cry from the algebra of our youth. It will be less about solving a problem than it is about revealing a truth – about yourself, your barriers, and of everything of which you are truly capable.

So to Mr. Strandberg I say: “You were wrong, old man. Girls are GREAT at math and any other damn thing they want to work at.”

Comment below: Tell us about your Strandberg moment! Share a story of what you know about yourself now that debunks that ill-considered comment.

If you want to work on – finally – taking your presentation skills to their highest level, we invite you to apply for June 2024 Uncommon Confidence Cohort. Applications close May 20